- Anais Nin
Today I feel sad.
Okay, to be honest, it's not just today.
I really enjoy participating in the exmormon community online in various ways. I really do. The people are wonderful and caring, and everyone has everyone else's back. Everyone needs to know they're not alone. Everyone needs to feel understood. I love all of these things about the exmormon community. But it comes at a price. And that price is heartbreak. Sometimes I take it in stride, and sometimes - like today - it just really gets me down.
So what is it that's breaking my heart, over and over again? It is the stories of people whose lives are being torn apart in one way or another by the church.
To outsiders, the message of the church is all about families. Even to many members, the message is all about families. There are countless lessons given, talks heard, articles written, and messages shared about the importance of families. And it's almost a beautiful message. Almost.
The problem is the dark underbelly of that message. Because the truth is that the church is all about families IF your family happens to fit the mold. The message of the church is, in fact, designed to encourage you to get your family to fit the mold. Because the Mormon way of being a family is the One True way to be a family! You have a mother and father and siblings, you attend church together every week, you even attend during the week, you have family home evening, family scripture study, and family prayer. It sounds so nice, doesn't it, a family all focused on the same common goal? And of course, the promise of being together for eternity is appealing as well. This is a great selling point for missionaries. In our church, families can be together forever. You don't just have to hope and wonder, like you do in other churches; in our church we guarantee it! It all sounds so lovely.
But there are caveats. In fact, it turns out there's a whole lot of them. Despite the very simplified message that missionaries teach about families being together forever, there are actually a whole lot of things that people have to do to qualify. And despite the continual messages from the church about the importance of family, they seem to only apply when family members are willing to play by the church's rules. If not, then all bets are off.
The problem is that the church teaches conformity and obedience. And I guess the other problem is that the church puts itself above the importance of families. So when a family member doesn't conform they are seen in a negative light, are treated as a threat, and are told that they are the problem - the source of trouble in the family. The problem is that the church doesn't teach love and acceptance as the most important thing people can do. Obedience comes first. Then love. And that leads to a lot of problems in relationships.
It would be really easy for me to collect a good number of quotes from church leaders that convey the idea that members should protect themselves against the influence of outsiders. This is a common theme in the church. Unfortunately those outsiders are often family members, which backs members into an uncomfortable corner. Because the church makes members feel like they are responsible for others' salvation, many people try to save their "fallen" family members. Instead of accepting them as they are, members often focus their efforts on reconversion. Then there are some members who simply limit or cut off contact with people who no longer accept the church's teachings. They treat those who have left as a great disappointment or as a threat, or often as both.
If you don't think this happens, all the time, then you are fooling yourself! If you think you are blameless and do nothing to contribute to this problem, then odds are that you are blind to these behaviors in yourself because they are hiding behind the guise of "righteous living." There are absolutely people who are members of the church who don't treat those who leave any differently. But unfortunately they are a small minority. Most people, even those with the best intentions, still end up alienating people in some way or another.
And it's sad!
This is really sad people! And it needs to stop. The rhetoric in the church that encourages this type of behavior needs to stop, and the culture that perpetuates it needs to change. Because there are people who are suffering so much more than they will ever admit out loud. There are people who feel isolated and alone, with no one to turn to. There are people whose hearts are broken by loved ones. There are people who are desperate for love, who long to be accepted as they are.
If you love someone, truly, then let that be the thing that matters. Not whether they choose to live their life in the same box that you do. Why spend so much time focusing on your differences, when you could use that time celebrating and enjoying the things you share? Haven't you ever known the pain of someone rejecting you in some way for not being what they thought you should be? Why would you want to cause someone else that same pain? If you believe the church is true, and the gospel is important, fine. Then live it. Be a good Mormon and do all the things you're taught to do. But don't be so busy being a good Mormon that you forget that Jesus' most oft repeated message was one of love. Not love with caveats or conditions or under certain circumstances. Just plain love.
I'm sad. I'm sad because I read stories of people that are experiencing so much pain in their lives because of the wedge the church drives between those that belong and those that don't. My heart breaks, over and over again. It breaks every time I read about:
- A gay kid who ran away from home because his family couldn't accept him the way he was.
- A marriage in trouble because one spouse has decided to leave the church and the other is unwilling to accept that.
- Someone who feels so alone, having been cut off from friends and family when they decided to leave the church.
- Mormon parents who blame themselves when their kids leave, instead of accepting that we all make our own choices and are responsible for no one else's.
- People who wish to be open about the things they've learned, and then are labeled as apostates and anti-Mormons by their family, and treated as someone not to be trusted.
- Someone who is struggling through the incredibly painful process of discovering the truth, but who can't talk to anyone about what they're going through, for fear of damaging relationships.
- Someone who has left the church and is constantly bombarded with messages from the church by family members hoping to get them back, but who is expected to keep her own mouth shut because it has been made clear that her opinion is unwelcome.
- An individual who has struggled through the pain of losing one's faith, only to be labeled as angry, or bitter, or deceived.
- A teenager who posts secretly online about his unbelief, too afraid of how his family will react to tell them the truth.
- A grandfather whose time with grandchildren has been limited because he is seen as a negative influence, simply because he's no longer Mormon.
