- Unknown
When I look back on it now, it seems to me that being an active, believing member of the church is an exercise in how much cognitive dissonance you can handle.
Honestly, before leaving the church I'd never even heard of cognitive dissonance. The concept is as simple as it sounds - the mental discomfort associated with conflicting beliefs or ideas. The application of it can get complicated though. For the sake of those who may be new, I'll share this excellent quote from Frantz Fanon:
"Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit in with the core belief."The way I see it, there are two main types of cognitive dissonance experienced by members of the church. The first has to do with the church itself - its history, practices, doctrines, policies, etc. This is the one that gets talked about the most. I certainly experienced a lot of this. I remember, even as a young girl, feeling confused by the church's seemingly racist past, as well as current scriptures that had racist undertones. I also felt a natural revulsion any time polygamy came up. I bristled every time I heard a church leader say that members should pay tithing even if it meant they wouldn't have money left for rent or groceries. And even when I was foolish enough to buy into the idea that being gay was a choice, I still felt uncomfortable with the way the church so aggressively sought to control the lives of people who were not members by restricting their rights. All of these things, and many, many more, bothered me throughout the years, but they conflicted with the simple fact that I knew the church was true. So all of them got placed on a shelf. And obviously the shelf eventually came crashing down.
There is, however, another form of cognitive dissonance that I experienced as a Mormon, and one that I believe probably affects many members. I think it's possible that this type is even more damaging than the previous one. This is cognitive dissonance about what you get out of the church - how your personal experiences stack up against your expectations. This is about the return on the investment - how what you're getting out compares to what you're putting in.
I think I was a pretty good Mormon. I don't say that to brag. (Honestly, looking back, I wish I hadn't been!) But I was doing the things I was expected to. I wasn't perfect because, of course, no one is, but I probably would have made a good poster child. And yet, the "results" of my faith weren't what I expected. I wasn't as happy as a I thought I should be. I didn't find life as fulfilling as I wanted to. I didn't feel like my burdens were eased quite how I thought they would be. Don't get me wrong; I wasn't expecting pure bliss. I was just expecting it to be... different. I guess it's a bit hard to put into words. It comes down to this. I felt like I was putting in so much, and not getting much out. But I simply couldn't allow myself to accept that. It contradicted everything I believed about the church being the path to happiness.
So I started collecting what I now refer to as "Cognitive Dissonance Band-Aids." I love quotes. I love pep talks. I love quotes that are pep talks. So it was only natural for me to start collecting quotes that helped reaffirm my faith, encouraged me to continue believing, and ultimately helped me suppress the cognitive dissonance. I had all kinds of quotes and scriptures that I would print out and hang all over the place - in the bedroom, on the bathroom mirror, by the computer, in the kitchen, etc. I wanted the constant reminders to keep believing.
Now I see the simple truth about these cognitive dissonance band-aids: Had there been no conflict in my mind, I never would have needed them. If things had worked the way they were "supposed to" then I never would have felt the need to give myself pep talks to just keep believing anyway. It would have been easy to keep believing, to keep doing all the "right" things, if the results had been as promised.
The church is full of promises. The scriptures overflow with promises, often in the form of "if-then" statements. General Conference and other teachings from the church's leaders are also filled with promises. Then there are priesthood blessings, patriarchal blessings (don't even get me started on those!), and the promises received through personal revelation. But time and time again, I had to readjust my expectations regarding the fulfillment of these promises.
And therein lies the rub. If you think you're doing what you're supposed to do, and you haven't gotten the promised result yet, but you know the promises to be true, then what option do you have left but to blame yourself for the lack of results? For me, this became a vicious cycle in which I would continue to be harder and harder on myself - for not doing enough, for not having enough faith. I would push myself even harder, expect even more from myself, and then fall even further emotionally when the desired results still stayed out of my reach.
No matter how many cognitive dissonance band-aids I collected, they never seemed to do the trick. If they had, I wouldn't have needed them any longer. Because when something is working the way it's supposed to, you don't need to be reminded to keep doing it!
Even though I stopped collecting them years ago, I am still aware of the cognitive dissonance band-aids I see all over the internet. Sometimes I see the same quotes I had hanging up around my apartment, and sometimes I see new quotes that I know Mormon Jen would have loved. But now when I see them, I just find myself arguing with them in my head...
"Fight all of your battles on your knees and you will win every time."
Seriously, if this were true I wouldn't need to remind myself! It would be second nature to go for the solution that worked every time.
"Faith in god includes faith in his timing."
This is like a free pass for god (or any religious leader making promises). If it hasn't happened yet... it just hasn't been the right time yet. There's never any accountability.
"The future is as bright as your faith."
Someone whose present is bright doesn't need this quote. If someone has great faith and their present isn't bright, maybe we should be asking why it's not enough now? And if it's not enough now, why should we believe it will be enough if the future?
"We need to know that the lord rarely speaks loudly. His messages almost always come in a whisper."
This is a nice little reminder about how to get answers to prayers. If you're not hearing the answers, just listen harder. It's all on you. No matter how how hard you're trying. Ugh.
"His laws are absolutely secure anchors of protection that dispel fear and assure success in an otherwise dangerous world."
People looking for safety and security in life might cling to this promise. But what happens when faithful members have neither safety or security, or success for that matter?
"Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other."
If I "need" this quote it's because I have doubts, and this quote serves no other purpose than to guilt trip me for having doubts and to encourage me to suppress them in favor of more faith. Not cool. Doubts are how we find truth.
I could be here for hours, refuting the same types of quotes I used to cling to for encouragement. There are so many of them, and at the end of the day all they do is suppress cognitive dissonance. If I could go back in time and talk to Mormon Jen, I'd have a lot to say to her about this. And maybe I would like to say some of it to others as well, others who also collect cognitive dissonance band-aids to help reconcile the difference between their expectations and what actually happens. This is what I would say to Mormon me and to all of the others:
It is NOT your fault. Every time you try to keep your end of one of god's "promises" but then it doesn't happen, that is not your fault! It's not because you're not doing enough. It's not because you need to try harder. It's not because you need to listen more. It's not because you need more faith. In fact, what you need is less faith and more reason. Don't bury your doubts. Explore them, and trust in yourself to find the truth. And while you're at it, trust yourself with a lot of other things too. Don't put so much stock in vague promises about the future. Put your future in your own hands. You decide what you want, what you want to hope for and work towards. Recognize that set backs and discouragements are just a normal part of life. Life is not fair. Don't expect it to be. Don't expect things to work out the way you want to all the time, or even most of the time. But work towards the things that mean the most to you, and just be flexible. Most of all, believe in yourself. Believe in yourself and your own strength more than you believe in anything or anyone else. Learn to trust your inner voice. Don't doubt it in favor of trusting someone else's voice just because they're so loud. You know what's best for you. You know what you need. And seriously, stop beating yourself up so much. You are way more awesome than you realize.
