- Unknown
Everyone loses things when they leave the church. It's never easy to walk away, to turn your back on things that you once held dear. And although some things are easy to let go of, other things are harder. While this list would be different for different people, this is my own list of the top ten things I miss about being Mormon.
10. I miss having the opportunity to interact with people in a wide age range. Church was a great place to be around, and talk with, all kinds of people from young children all the way up to old people. I think there's a lot of value in this, and it's something I miss now that we mainly interact with people near our own age. I especially miss having a lot of interaction with the youth. In our last ward we taught 14-18 Sunday School for over three years and I loved those kids! There's something invigorating and inspiring about interacting with the rising generation, getting to know them on a personal level, and sharing with them. For the same reason, I also miss interacting with the older people in the ward, and feeling like I just want to soak up the wisdom they've gained from years of experience.
9. I miss know there are always people who will help you out. I think Mormons are incredibly generous people. (Not because they are Mormons, but because they're just great people!) There's so much comfort and security in knowing there are people you can count on, even if you don't know them well. I like that sense of unity in the church, that everyone's looking out for everyone else. It's not something that's unique to the Mormon church, but since we no longer have anything to do with any religion, that's the only place we've experienced it. And we miss that.
8. I really, really miss feeling like I had the answers to so many of life's questions. Don't get me wrong, there were still plenty of things I didn't understand, but I feel like I "knew" a whole lot more when I was a Mormon, and now I just have to accept that I don't know much of anything. Life has a lot of questions, like "Why are we here?""Why is there war and poverty and disease?""Why do some people lead such hard lives while others don't?""How did we come into existence?""What does the future hold?" and so many more. As a Mormon, I felt like I had a really solid understanding of so many of these things. In a way, it was more comfortable to have answers (even if they turned out to be false ideas) than it is to realize that there are so many things that just don't have simple answers.
7. I miss all the singing, a whole lot! I am a musically inclined person, and I love, love, love singing! I miss singing the hymns, even the lame ones, even when they get played at about half the tempo they were intended to be played at. I miss the harmonies. I miss participating in the choirs occasionally. I have been singing in one way or another my whole life, and now all I do is sing along with the music I play on my computer. One day I'd like to find a choir to join, but in the meanwhile, I miss the weekly dose of singing I used to get in church.
6. I miss the idea of an afterlife. It was a beautiful idea. I loved the idea of there being more after this, that this life was just the beginning of something much bigger. I loved the idea of getting to spend forever with Cedric. I loved the idea of spending more time with loved ones I didn't get enough time with. And honestly, I was planning on spending a lot of time traveling after I was dead. I was determined to see all of the beautiful places on the Earth that I could only see pictures of in this life. I was planning on going to the moon too. You may laugh, but I've always wanted to go there, and well... if we have forever, then why wouldn't I be able to? There are a lot of things about an afterlife that sounded appealing, and sometimes I miss being able to believe in those things.
5. I miss the feeling of having a clearly defined purpose in life. Looking back now, I'm not happy with the way my life was defined for me by the church. But back then, when I was in the middle of it, and I thought I was happy, there was a sense of comfort that came from knowing exactly what was expected of me. It is much more scary to have no road set before me and to have to forge my own way. I make a lot of mistakes, run into many obstacles, and I'm not always sure where a path may be leading me. Having things laid out for me was a lot easier.
4. As surprised as I am to find myself saying this, I miss prayer. The thing about prayer is that it's just a disguise for meditation, and I think that was really good for me. But I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. I thought I was talking to someone, and that someone was talking back. Now I realize that I was just giving myself time to think about things, and to have a bit more quiet in my head. (It gets kind of crazy in there sometimes!) Now that I realize I'm just talking to myself I don't pray anymore, but I haven't gotten into a habit of meditation either, and I miss having that calming practice in my life, even if I didn't recognize what I was doing at the time.
3. I really miss the sense of community. It feels a little strange saying that because Cedric and I rarely felt like we fit in in any of our wards and we had a hard time making friends. It's one of the hard things about being so old (by Mormon standards) and not having kids. It made it hard for us to find people we connected with. But even though we felt a bit detached from the group, there was still a group, there was still a community, and we both miss that a lot.
2. I really miss having guarantees in life, promises that were made to me in my patriarchal blessing. Even after two years out of the church, this is still really hard for me to talk about because it was just such a central part of my life. My patriarchal blessing made a lot of promises - about my future family, about financial things, about my health, etc. - and I clung to those promises. We have been through a lot of struggles in our years, but I held tight to my blessing, knowing that there were certain things that were guaranteed to happen in our future. Sometimes those promises were the only thing that got me through. It has been very hard to let go of those promises and to accept that life comes with no guarantees, and on occasion I wish I could go back to my blissful ignorance.
1. More than anything else, I miss feeling like an equal among Mormon friends and family. Most relationships have changed, some more than others. And the ones that hurt the most are relationships with people who used to trust me, who used to value my input, who used to confide in me. Now there is distance and caution in those relationships. Instead of trust there is fear, as if I am dangerous somehow. I miss being around people and not feeling the tension in the air, even if no one brings it up. I miss the easy flow of conversation. I miss not feeling like I have to constantly worry about walking on eggshells. I miss feeling like I am on equal footing with those around me, rather than feeling like I am being looked down on. I miss the closeness that once existed in some of these relationships, but that may never be there again.
Sorry for ending on such a depressing note, but I wanted this list to be truly authentic to how I feel, and that is, by far, the thing I miss the most about being a Mormon. As anyone who has left the church knows, it can be hard to walk away from some of the things that have been a comfort to us for so long. There will always be things that are missed, things that will never be the same again. But the good thing is, despite the things I lost, I feel like I've gained so much, and I would never go back. And for the sake of balance, sometime soon I'll write a Top 10 list of things I love about not being a Mormon, and that will be a much more fun list to write!
