here we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves.
- Carl Sagan
QUESTION: How can you deny the spiritual experiences you've had?
This is a question that I can't answer very well for other people, because everyone's experiences vary. But I can tell you about my own perspective.
I was always a very spiritual person. I've met people who struggled to feel the spirit or didn't have very many spiritual experiences, but I could never relate to them. Feeling the spirit was very much a regular part of my life, and I had a number of very profound spiritual experiences throughout my life.
And I'll be honest... after I found out the church wasn't true, it was a bit disconcerting for me to look back on those spiritual experiences and try to figure out what they meant. I went through some spiritual upheaval right after leaving the church, and for a time I was sure I would remain a Christian and just find another church to attend. But I was reading voraciously, and as I've explained in other posts, I eventually realized that I no longer believed in any god at all.
It would seem natural then, that it would be painful to let go of those spiritual experiences that I'd held so dear. I was surprised to discover that it wasn't painful at all. In fact, my new perspective made some of those same memories even more beautiful to me.
The truth of the matter is that the human brain is capable of so much more than most of us understand. Emotions are an incredible power within us, and they often have greater control over us than we realize, even if we think we're cognizant of things like that. After leaving the church I did a lot of reading about the role the emotions play in creating spiritual experiences for people. It was intriguing to look at things from a brand new perspective and see some of the pieces fit together in a new way. I won't bore you with a lesson on psychology, because I don't understand a lot of it myself, but there's a lot of fascinating reading out there if you're interested.
So for me, it's not about denying the spiritual experiences I had, so much as seeing them for what they really were, which is nothing more than my own emotions. And while that may sound sad to a believer, let me explain (with examples) of why I appreciate these experiences even more now that I realize that they weren't supernatural.
One of my strongest spiritual experiences happened during a trip to the temple while I was in the MTC. I felt (very strongly) the presence of my grandmother and great-grandmother who had recently passed away. I heard them telling me that they were there with me. It was a very powerful experience for me. Now I look back on this experience and see that it was a manifestation of my love for them. They both died suddenly and I hadn't come to terms with that yet. I don't feel bad when I realize that it wasn't real, but I celebrate that fact that I knew them and was able to share in their lives for a while. And I think it's kind of beautiful that my love for them was so strong that my brain was subconsciously creating an experience for me to help me cope with the loss.
Another experience I had has to do with a big decision I had to make early in my adult life. I'll spare you the details or this will turn into a really long story. The point is, it took more than two weeks for me to make the decision. I prayed, I fasted, I read the scriptures, I counseled with my bishop, I did everything I could to find out what god wanted me to do. I eventually got my answer in the middle of a very spiritual experience, and for years after I clung to that experience as a great lesson in hearing answers to prayers. Now, however, I look back and realize that god didn't make that decision, I did. I see that as an empowering perspective. I spent years doubting myself and leaning heavily on god, but all along I was really the one making the decisions. I really value understanding this now. I think it's an important lesson in trusting myself.
Probably one of the most emotional spiritual experiences I had was also early in my adult life. I had been told all my life that god loved me. That he knew me personally, and loved me for who I was. I believed it, but I never really felt it, and I desperately wanted to. I prayed for years, begged for god to help me feel his love. And not coincidentally, the "answer" finally came after I'd been married to Cedric for a while. One night I was praying again to feel god's love for me, and I was literally overcome with it. I experienced feelings that are beyond words. It was truly life changing. While it may seem sad for me to acknowledge in retrospect that this experience was my own creation, born out of my own emotions, it's not sad at all. Because I see that now as evidence that I was finally beginning to acknowledge that I was worth loving. I have struggled my entire life with feelings of inadequacy and poor self-esteem. I think it is beautiful to look back at this experience, and see how Cedric's influence in my life was beginning to break down the walls inside me. This was just the first of many spiritual experiences I had with relation to god loving me. And I treasure these memories now as I look back and see them as evidence that I was finally learning to accept and love myself.
These are only a few examples, of course, but the pattern is the same for each of the spiritual experiences I've had in my life. They meant a great deal to me as a Mormon, but I feel that they mean something different now, and sometimes they even mean more now.
I have always been a very emotional person, and I believe that is why I felt "the spirit" so strongly as a Mormon, and why I had so many "spiritual" experiences. I don't deny those experiences, but I now see them as what they are. I feel like I have learned so much about myself by recognizing that I am the source of these experiences. That's why I don't feel sad about the change in perspective. It was really nice when I thought they were coming from god, but they mean so much more when I realize they're coming from within me.
